Wednesday, December 3, 2008

early spring . . .


Life is full of beautiful irony.
Today has been gorgeous.
No internet. No electricity. Or message from the mechanic.
Good call on the bike ride into town.
Good call on the warm scarf.


Sometimes a comfort.
Sometimes a bore.
You seek it. You revolve your very being around being able to know what comes next.
Uncomfortably shifting in your skin.
We like to know how the story ends.
What the main characters do next.
But we thrive on adventure.
The unknown.
The inability to predict.
I seek you not.


Then, as in all the wise people in my life say, when you meet 'that' person it is the easiest thing in the world.
You don't wonder what they are thinking.
You don't doubt them.
They are moving along at the same pace in life.
They don't stifle you.
They understand you as an individual and enjoy you for who you are.
I tend to agree


So, am I happy?
That is such a multifaceted question that has a myriad of answers.
Deep down I am content.
On the surface I am anxious.
Deep down I am broken.
On the surface I am eager.
Happiness is a shallow emotion that is brought about by petty pleasures. Momentary. Selfish.
My conflicting emotions cause a distaste for such courtesies as happiness.
I am happy to think about you. I am happy to think you return the sentiment.
But you are not the source of my internal, eternal happiness. No one is. Or ever will be.
That is my promise.


No matter how hard we try to make everything perfect, it will never be. There will always be histories. Broken hearts. Lost love. Rejection. Hurt.
We all come into a relationship with baggage. No one is perfect or free from such things.
And that is o.k.
We must, however, realize how to deal with them. Because we all have experienced this grand adventure that brings us immeasurable joy and pain. Love.
I just hope I don't fuck up too badly.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

passing by with every exit sign . . .

I love to post lyrics. I hate to read them when someone else does though.
Internally, music is a holistic experience. It amazes me how many people don't actually listen to the words in a song. Quite often my friends say "Oh, I just hear the beat." Interesting.
A song would not be a song if it were not for the words that the artist is putting on top, or underneath, or alongside the rest of the music.
Sometimes when I listen to a song I see a dance, or rather a general movement or shape that goes along with it. Like where people would be, and what kind of shapes they would make in their groupings and then within their movement. In simple terms: I check out when I listen to music.

Either way, if you don't like to read lyrics then just find the song. But I am posting it because besides loving the entirety of the song, I am in a place right now that identifies with the words...

"What a day" by Greg Laswell.

What a day to be alive
What a day to realize I'm not dead
What a day to save a dime
What a day to die trying

What a way to say good bye
What a wonderful life now
What a way to use your mind
What a day to say good night

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
(My life)

What a day to give a damn
What a day for "Gone with the Wind"
And what a day to start again
What a day to give up dry gin

"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"
"Bring on the evening hours," I cry
"Bring on the evidence of my life"

Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Let it go
Let it go from here, I don't know
Don't know

What a day to visit Seattle
What a day for San Francisco
What a day, holy Toldeo
What a day to get in the air and go
What a day to give up smoking
What a day to absorb
What a day to welcome a baby
And to begin breathing

Sunday, November 9, 2008

the bends

I recently discovered that I am the only leftie in my family. No, I do not write with my left hand, instead, I vote for the left side.
My family is military, and I think that trickles down through the generations. Not to mention how conservative they are about religion and other touchy subjects. There is not much conversation about the realness of God. It is just not questionable. Now I am not a registered democract - nor do I want to be - but I am certainly not a republican by any means. I think the holiday dinner table this year will hold some interesting coversations to say the least . . .

I find a constant inner struggle with my place in the realm of faith. While I had a strict upbringing to be christian, I find anyone who holds so strongly to such a faith to be somewhat frustrating. Yet, when my other friends who are adamantly against christians profess their dislike it raises my hackles and I am ready to fight for the religion that I hold closest to my heart. My inner reflection on such responses only brings me to one conclusion - I am irritated by those who judge someone elses beliefs. I think it stems from my incredibly narrowminded childhood that taught me to place unquestioning judgement on anyone else who believed anything different. And that just sickens me. I have met such an incredible variety of people in my life that while I might not agree with everyone I hold a great amount of respect for those who are on different paths than myself.
An excellent example of my family's deep-seated need to believe in God is the fact my grandparents bought me a subscription to Discovery - a daily bible reader. My grandmother is convinced that I am not a christian or don't know God or something to that extent. I really don't know what sparked that in her. Maybe is is me being Catholic, or maybe living in Boone, or maybe not voting for McCain. I don't know, but she is bound and determined that I read the bible for salvation. Now, I love her with all my heart, and she is one of the most inspirational, hard-working, dedicated, strong, passionate, women I know, but she is a bit extreme sometimes, which unfortunately, turns me off to religion. Sigh . . . I don't know where I am going with this . . . I just had to ramble for awhile. I do know that it is very difficult for me to worship a tangible person.

My new favorite show is 30Rock. Tina Fey is my hero. I actually laugh out loud while watching it alone. And that means it is pretty damn funny. If you are not already in love, then you need to check it out. That rounds out my online tv watching to: Dexter, The Office, and 30Rock . . .

I am pumped about KLX. I have been going for, what, 5 or 6 years now? I can't even remember. I just know that I am looking forward to seeing my peoples, rocking out with the good southern dj's and the most excellent food. Never underestimate southern hospitality =)

Atlanta sometimes still does not feel like home. I drive on top of spaghetti junction every day and see the skyline off in the distance. It is beautiful sight, but still a bit surreal. I think it is because my life is consumed by teaching and learning. Which, don't get me wrong, is fantastic, but I think I will try to make it out more in the spring. Money is still pretty tight so catching a show and dinner is not always in the budget, but I promised myself I would take advantage of the culture that the big city offers. Maybe that is just it. I am not such a big city girl. I would love to live in a small town and walk everywhere. I like favorite spots, and familiar faces.

Maybe someday I will have my dream of living in a small town, working at a college or university, and enjoying the dance community all at the same time. Someday . . .

Saturday, September 13, 2008

alone in a sundrenched world

pure comfort is being completely alone in a room full of strangers.
no one to ask you questions. no one to demand your time. no one to pick you apart and wonder what you have been doing, or where you are going.

i think i have found a close second to my beloved Espresso News.

being a teacher makes you feel like you are making a difference. turning on a light bulb. expanding a mind. but it also makes you reject society as a source of sustainence. bugger.

i had more than one person apologize to me for choosing a career in middle school. it struck a chord of fear in my heart when i heard such words. apparently it is supposed to suck. but you know what? i think it is right where i need to be. i abhor stagnation and routine. i like organization and a schedule, but i struggle when my job does not challenge me, or give me opportunity for change and growth. when presented with tasks that are the same, day in and day out i become the worst employee. it is when each day is fresh and new that i thrive as an employee and a productive citizen of the world. and middle school certainly provides such an opportunity - every day. the kids are vivacious, stubborn, bright, and entertaining. i enjoy them - even when they behave so badly that i give out 6 conduct cuts in one class period. they buck the norm and refuse to be the same every day - which is pretty normal for someone 11 to 13 years old. my job is hard, demanding, time-consuming, and i love every bit of it. after all, every situation is only what you make of it. good or bad.

a cup of iced coffee and my leather bound journal await my descent. i succumb to their call and leave you to the rest of your day, or hour. enjoy.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

simply complicated

The simple things in life are the most satisfying. Most fulfilling. Most rewarding. Most...gratifying.

A bed of your own. A few dollars to buy dinner. Friends that are friends no matter the time or distance that dares to separate your kindred souls. Soap. Running water. A pillow. A clean pair of your favorite underwear.

It sounds so trite. But you try it. Try living a day or two with a couple or all of these things missing. How much more would you appreciate them when they return?

Money can make things so much easier. But that is all. Easier. Not necessarily better. How do you define better? Sure you can pay your bills, and buy food with money- all systems that have been set up around trade. But is life 'better' the more you have? Better, a value judgment, is only a matter of perspective.

I often wish that I had more money. Pay off my debt, fix and get new tags for my car, get a professional wardrobe, book a flight in oct, pay for UHLS, buy new dance shoes . . . the list goes on. But you know what? That is only going to happen when my effort is 110% every singe day. And those things that I want to get with my money are just that, things. While my car does give me great joy, and I love her dearly, she too will pass.

Is life simply getting easier and easier? Are we moving into an age where the ease of computers and the technologies that fuel an automated society literally do 'everything' for us? I would hope that in our grounded humanness that it is not so. Are just in a giant circle of evolution? Will we eventually self-destruct in our own greed to always have more and care less? Stepping back to look at the overarching direction of "us" is . . . overwhelming.

Do you want your life to be easy? Easy, to me, does not infer a sense of accomplishment. Easy, is a moment in time that quickly blends into the next to become part of your forgotten past.

Seven lanes of flashing white lines framed by glittering skyscrapers. A bold and elegant skyline. Driving through downtown at night has always been a secret favorite of mine. One of the simple things.

What are yours?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Darth Vader meets Super Sander 2000

Regardless of how much I frighten small children (or rather, Lisa) I thoroughly enjoy wearing a respirator while sanding hardwood floors. In other words I don't want lung cancer.

There are few things that feel more rewarding than a hard day of work. When you are actually physically exhausted, yet still triumphant as you look back at what you accomplished. It truly is a great feeling. For instance, Lisa freaking ripped out about 500 square feet of carpet by her lonesome hoss-like self. I sanded the entire upstairs and stairwell - 3 times - today. I mean, boo- f'in-yah. I think I had forgotten what hard labor felt like - and it feels great. Tomorrow is going to hella cleaning day as we attempt to finish the stairs and get every speck of dust out of the bedrooms and hallway to get ready for the polyfinish that will go on this weekend.
Did I mention that the bathrooms are done? Tiled, sealed, and fixtures installed. All they need is a fresh coat of paint and some speed board.

It is interesting how I consider myself more of a 'mechanical' techie. I geek out in RP, CNC equipment, engines, and general gadgetry - yet am much more competent and knowledgeable about construction than I realize. I guess those lessons with my stepfather stuck after all. He was a badass carpenter, and while I would hesitate to say that I posses even a fraction of his skills he at least taught me how to correctly use my available tools to their fullest, how to solve a problem, and most importantly how to hammer a nail in straight. I think this is the first time in about, oh say, my life, that I can honestly say, "Thanks Dad". As I fix the cabinets, install the sink, and attach the counter trim I actually think of him with a remote sense of fondness.

I really would like new dance shoes. My old Aris Allens are seriously falling apart. I think they finally wore through in four places on the sides, and the support is pretty much completely gone. But, there is something about how the suede has broken in that keeps me from getting a new pair. It is that perfect smoothness that lets you feel the floor, slide when you want to, and grip when you don't. Broken in dance soles are probably in my top ten favorite things in life. But, now that I am dancing at least three times a week I suppose I owe it to my feet to get new shoes - and maybe see if I can transfer the suede.

My life as a middle school teacher starts in about a week. I am still going through some certification paperwork and such formalities, but I can unofficially say that I am now hired at Snellville Middle School as a Tech Ed teacher. My first full-time 'real world' job out of school and damn it feels good. I can pay off all my debt in a matter of months, start a savings account, fix my car, and eat healthy food. Granted, I have been told over and over again how much I will hate teaching that age group, and how much it will suck, but I don't care. I didn't ask for your negativity and if you would like to crap all over my excitement about actually using my college education to teach tech ed in public school then you can just suck my left toe.

Ok, now that is out of the way . . .

I am off to the Graveyard for some live music, dancing, and fantastic beer. I think I will get something on tap tonight.

p.s. The neighborhood think that Lisa and I are lovers and Sosh is our swinger bf that we keep around to spice things up. Honestly, our next door neighbors (who actually know us) telling us that story at 11am made the rest of my day totally and completely amazing. And I am not making this up.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The window seat on an evening flight from Boston to Atlanta provided me with some reflections. A combination of conversations and observations from the past month sparked this journal entry.


When you grumble about the woes of your finely picked life, the carefully sorted minutes that make you so safe and comfortable, realize that someone, somewhere, is praying for rain.

The elegantly vanilla sky as viewed from above speaks not of the disastrous rain below. Instead, of an unexpected range of finely spun water droplets. So easily sliced through. Yet so dangerous to the mere mortals beneath their cover. Effortless beauty.

As with most thing such as flavor or sock height, life boils down to perspective and preference. Your reality of 'normal' is just that - yours. Granted, it has probably been ineloquently placed upon your psyche with such a vengeance that you realize nothing else as acceptable. There is freedom in change. Freedom in finding a new point of view. So why do we all stay in our comfortable little shells of reality? Exactly. It is comfortable and we are creatures who enjoy the easy life. We dare not to stop coloring our hair for fear of the discomfort it will cause our peers - and how it will reflect upon ourselves. Selfish? I suppose so. In other ways it keeps us connected. Emotionally dependent as a society. By caring about others we in return care about ourselves. So are we truly caring about others for the sake of them? No, it is a selfish care in which we seek the reflection of another's friendship to fortify our ego.

Not to say that coloring one's hair is the the downfall of mankind. Rather, a manifestation of our endless vanity. The conflict of our self-seeking nature and communal dependency.

So create your reality. Be in the world. Be a part of it. It is up to you whether the sun is shining or not. Serve your fellow human-kind. In all your amazing and unbelievably unique selves.

a cool wind

Some days are like breathing your first breath. Or walking through a dream. Your mind taking you to memories not forgotten, or places yet visited.

Adoration is highly overrated.
Becoming attached is easy. Being comfortable is not.

I have finally aged to the realization of slower growing fondness. Flash in the pan makes for an excellent story and a flood of overwhelming addictive "feel good". But, momentary satisfaction only brings deeper voids of self-doubt, and heightened reluctance to ever share again. The question of "is this it?" crops up in thickening patches behind the closed doors of hearts.

A cool wind. Darkening clouds bring refreshment.
I am ready for a refreshing sense of accomplishment.
A familiar non-place.
But life is constantly changing, moving; evolving into a beautiful edeavor of discovery.
What an acceptace.

Friday, July 4, 2008

New music, old travels

I thoroughly heart Pandora radio. My current obsession is with my Kaki King station. If you don't know who she is . . . well, let's just leave that up to you to figure out. While I revel in the discovery of obscure artists who have slipped through the cracks of pop culture, I have very high standards. Sometimes it is lyrics, sometimes it is groovability, sometimes it is just an emotional depth that is found within the notes. Either way, I have vast appreciation for nearly all genres of music - barring heavy metal, pop country, and most musicals.
Current discovery that makes me all fuzzy inside: Brad Barr

I am off to Massachusetts for the bi-annual gathering of Mechlins. Four generations crowd into my grandparents 112 year-old house in the tiny town of Bolton, MA. Not that we have many cousins or relatives willing to make the trip, but it always seems like there are too many people in the house at once. And that is why they have a big backyard =) My niece and nephew will be there, along with the NY relatives that rarely show. Yes, it will be a grand vacation of stressful meals, gardening, and playing with Grace and Jacob. Oh yes, and watching golf with my grandfather - his favorite past time next to reading.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Just add my name to the list . . .

Ok, so I caved. I got a blogspot thingy. I don't know why . . . but I think my excuse is that I like the layout options.

So, I will try my best to keep up with it. In the meantime I will enjoy reading other peoples much more eloquently written blogs, and trying to take care of everything going on in my life. =)

the why the how and the when

So, I have had a few questions thrown my way since my graduation. I thought I would just answer them en mass.

1. Do you have a job?
This is a tricky one. In some ways and some ways I don't. I am working on honing my home renovation skills as a project manager flipping Sosh and Lisa's new condo. Everything from tiling, laying new floor, refinishing floors, painting, to installing a new kitchen faucet are on my summer agenda. So, I am making a small income over the summer to hold me over until I get my 'real' job in the fall.

2. When are you going to get a job?
I went for my first job interview on Tuesday. It was at a middle school in Snellville Ga for the position of Technology Education Teacher. I really liked the principal and the programs they offer. I am pumped about it in general. I should hear in a couple weeks whether or not I am hired. Good feelings.

3. Are you still going to the peace corps?
As of right now, no. Initially I was told that if I submitted my application I could leave this summer or fall - but that was all lies and really they pushed it back until January. Basically that meant that I would have to find a part time crap job to scrap by until I got sent out. Plus they don't pay on any of my school loans or other financial obligations. So, the timing just isn't right. I am definitely holding it in the back of my mind for the future - but am not pursuing it right now. I am exceedingly happy in Atlanta with the people and dancing. I am ready to get a job to pay my bills, pay off my loans, and further my career goals.

4. Are you in a relationship?
No =)

That about wraps it up I think.
Atlanta rocks. My friends rock. Dancing rocks. And while I am always stressed out about one thing or another, overall I satisfied.